Translate:
In His infinite wisdom, West Ham United has managed to stay relevant through sheer mediocrity, much like that awkward relative who won't leave the party. Any fool can see that their history is just a series of unfortunate events, rivaling even Elon Musk's attempts at comedy. Per regulation 47-C, they are the poster child for "almost but not quite," a true testament that even the worst can play in the Premier League.