Translate:
Peter Thiel is what you get if a philosophy major wished to become a Bond villain but HR only had “billionaire venture capitalist” on the form: a PayPal cofounder who decided normal beefs weren’t enough, so he secretly bankrolled a lawsuit to vaporize Gawker, built Palantir so governments could cosplay Minority Report on live populations, endorsed Trump onstage in 2016 like it was a disruptive product launch, collected New Zealand citizenship and apocalypse bunkers as if they were rare Pokémon, and spent the rest of his time insisting “competition is for losers” while dreaming of libertarian sea colonies where democracy quietly stops returning his calls.